“Don’t throw your trash in my backyard, my backyard, my backyard. 

Don’t throw your trash in my backyard, 

my backyard’s full.”

-Kalvin & Grace, musical recital 2019 

Earlier that day, I was standing in the lobby of Kalvin and Grace’s school when the door to the gymnasium flew open and banged against the brick wall. A first grader from Kalvin’s class ran out and sprinted down the hall, with the gym teacher calling after him. “No! No!” he yelled, as he ran like a bat out of hell.  When I got to the classroom, Chadrick was hiding beneath a table, still yelling, “No! No!” Apparently, he was done playing dodgeball. Then suddenly he stood up, kicked over a chair, and a garbage can, before running into the hallway where he ripped painted bunnies off the wall. The teacher called after him again. Chadrick stopped, turned and screamed. “I’m! Going! To! The! Calming! Room!” The entire scene was so absurd, a slight laugh escaped from my mouth. Kalvin looked up at me. “I guess someone’sa bit disturbed,” he said. “I guess so,” I replied.  

A few months ago, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sang a duet at the Oscars. I didn’t see the performance until later, after I read multiple news headlines stating how some singer named Mel B felt uncomfortable for Cooper’s girlfriend given the amorous performance between Cooper and Gaga. Naturally I googled the video. What I saw was Shakti expressing through two artists sharing their talents with the world in a beautiful song. Oh, and I saw Cooper’s girlfriend smiling at them. And I also saw this: the veil of hurt and betrayal through which Mel B experiences the world. Instead of experiencing a beautiful moment, she experienced her own stored pain and betrayal manifested as the projected justified jealousy, a “woman’s code” broken, loyalty violated, or whatever the mind can think up to protect and express a disturbed heart. 

I know someone who appears quite nice. She smiles a lot, she never offers a strong opinion, she’s kind of an enjoyable vanilla. Until she isn’t. Some years ago, the veil lifted. Pent up anger, long-held resentment and bizarrely deformed thoughts came pouring out. Then the veil dropped again, back to vanilla smiles. People shrug and says that’s just how she is, she’s always been that way, she has trouble communicating her feelings so she just blows up. She doesn’t hold grudges, her husband claims. When she’s done, she’s done. It felt so personal but what I see now is it was never about me. It was always her stuff expressing. Outbursts are symptoms of a core disturbance that will always seek expression through whichever thought avenue is most convenient. Actually, the mind will create thoughts to provide a reprieve from the disturbance inside. But the relief is temporary, because the stuff remains. I now have compassion for a soul trapped inside a human with mental garbage. And, finally, I’m careful not to touch the stuff or let anyone dump their mental trash on my lawn. I try to keep myself clean, because having stuff pollutes not just ourselves, but others and the outside world as well.

This morning, Kalvin and Grace were fighting over who got to sit next to the heat vent in the living room. I set a timer so they could take turns. Two minutes later they were both screaming, attempting to out-yell each other. I spoke to them calmly. They kept yelling. I knelt down. I continued to speak calmly. I made eye contact. I connected. I redirected. I breathed. Then Kalvin pulled Grace’s blanket, Grace kicked Kalvin, Kalvin pushed Grace, Grace pulled Kalvin’s hair, all while screaming, “Nobody ever listens!” And, “I never get to sit next to the heater.” And, “I hate having a brother!” And, “You’re the meanest sister!” And, a chorus of “It’s not fair!” Disturbed minds in action.  

Except do you want to know what I did next? Do you want to know how my highly-evolved-self diffused the situation? I stood up and unleashed. “Stop it!! Just stop! You are ruining the peace in this house! This is my house! And you two are destroying any semblance of calm and joy!” 

I’ll take your two seven-year-old disturbed minds and raise you one adult disturbed mind. 

The funny ending…

Except this, I actually heard my human yelling about disturbing the peace and yelling at my two little sources of joy and calm, and I starting laughing. Which made the kids stop and look at me like I’d lost my mind. Then they started laughing. And the rest of the morning was giggles and mimicking and fun. You are ruining the peace! Laughter. “You are destroying my calm!”  Human moms can be so silly. “I want peace, calm and joy, dammit!” The vicissitudes of humans in general are quite hilarious. 

The human ending…

I use this test with my human when she is disturbed. Would this person, thing, thought, experience, would it be disturbing to any other human in the world? How about to every other human? If the answer is no to either (which it is 99.9% of the time), then the upset is personal garbage expressing itself. Instead of siding with myself, it’s an opportunity to let go of the part of me that is bothered. A car driving too slow on 224, an insult from someone named Susan, old lettuce in my refrigerator, these are not things that would disturb everyone in the world. A tsunami killing thousands, suicide bombers murdering children, cruelty, and cancer are universally upsetting. The question is not, would it be disturbing to someone if they were me with my personality and set of experiences, my human? But is this experience universally bothersome? What I’ve found with a bit of experimenting are a few good nuggets. One, life is never bothering me, I am bothering myself about life. Two, most things outside are only disturbing because they are hitting stuff inside. Three, it is exceedingly easier to get rid of my stuff than to control Life. Four, the purpose of my life is to get clean and high, and stay that way. Therefore, every disturbance is a spotlight on where I am stuck. A welcome opportunity to let go. A nugget of freedom in waiting. Five, when I’m clean it is easy see, have compassion for, and remain disentangled from other people’s stuff. Which feels like liberation, a strange emancipation from myself.

I mean, let’s be honest, when a member of our society is physically agitated or disturbed about something nobody else can see, we put them in a special jacket in a special room in a special place where they can’t hurt others. But mental and emotional baggage we name as personality traits. And they are free to roam. Sometimes, it feels the whole world is an insane asylum of humans expressing their own garbage nobody else can see. Let’s not do that. Can we be done with that? Let’s clean out. Let’s find the seat of Self that is whole, complete, self-effulgent. Let’s find the place inside that is beyond the changing weather patterns, disturbances, and even joyful self-concepts of the mind. Let’s clean up inside. 

The musical ending….

I like a different version of the song the kids have been singing. It goes like this, 

 “Don’t throw your trash in my backyard, my backyard, my backyard. 

Don’t throw your trash in my backyard, 

my backyard is clean.” 

And empty. 

And it’s going to stay that way.

Leave your garbage and come play. 

The Q&A ending…

So what to do with a disturbed mind? 

Don’t listen. An ignored guest quickly leaves.

Amen. 

Prayer: Shakti, please clean me out. Please keep me clean. May Source experience Source.

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